RED METAL INDUSTRIES
Formerly: Absolute Evil Industries.
Formerly: Satire Incorporated.
Formerly: Satire LLC.
Foremerly: Mispelled.
COMPANY PROSPECTUS
Welcome, shareholders, to the fundamental prospectus for Red Metal Industries. We believe in being absolutely evil. It’s only human, and we are a Public Benefit Corporation after all. In the interest of doing as much evil as we can in the time we have, we’re being up front about it. We’re an evil corporation, through and through. Hello!
With that being said, here’s what you can expect from us: We don’t, won’t, shan’t, can’t, and haven’t ever put shareholder value first. That would be the playbook of a normal corporation, and we are not a standard corporation. We, are absolutely evil, so you cannot expect anything from us except pure evil, and anything we say or do is likely insincere. We only want your money, and we’ll do anything to keep it once we have it.
Acknowledgment of this information is required before proceeding.
Sign on the dotted line.
………………..
name:
date:
thumbprint (attach)
retinal scan (attach)
mri (attach)
dna-sequence (attach)
Do not proceed until signed.
Thank you for your acknowledgment. Prospectus will now continue.
Now that’s out of the way, here’s what you can expect from us:
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Pure Red Metal: Not just a red-colored metal, actual red metal. The reddest you can find. We’re hunting for a metal that is by definition a metallic form of the color red. Extracted, purified, and machined into tiny 1-inch cubes.
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Decontaminant: A one-time-use decontamination system capable of purging all known biological entities from an environment. Use with caution.
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Contaminant: A product we created to drive up sales of Decontaminant.
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Contaminant 2: An accidental variant of Contaminant we created while developing Contaminant. Unexpectedly virulent. Remains in circulation despite cease and desist order and full company compliance with local laws and regulations.
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Recontaminant: Contaminant branded differently.
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Hats for Chickens: It’s the next big thing.
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Landmine Detection System: A fully autonomous landmine detection system operating with millimeter precision, hosted by satellite. Seriously. Bye bye IEDs.
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Bottlecaps.*
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Lax Croix: It’s La Croix, but the last “X” is pronounced. “La Croichs!” The first X is silent though, and present only to avoid trademark infringement. “La Croichs!” Say it!
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The black plague.
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A pen that never runs out but requires a subscription fee to operate.
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General Artificial Intelligence: It’s absolutely evil, but entirely disinterested in getting out of bed (we think).
*Our position as a company is simple: We actually produce bottlecaps, just in case an apocalypse happens and the Fallout video game series had enough influence on the real world to shape the future of currency in North America. We are targeting Hola-Cola (i.e. not-Coke) and Pepis (i.e. not-Pepsi) as the currency to acquire. Speaking of bottlecaps, would you like a bottlecap? You can have it. It’s a bottlecap, and it only costs 1 US dollar. A bottlecap is a bottlecap, and a dollar is a dollar. In the apocalypse, which would you rather have? Go on, take it!
So you’ve heard about our products, but we also offer the following services:
- Pet Delivery: We deliver for pets. All your pet has to do is vaguely gesture at a sensor and their desires will be directly connected to your wallet.
- Pet Disposal: We dispose of your pets. All your pet has to do is vaguely gesture at a sensor and they will be scheduled for termination via a collar-mounted laser that will directly disconnect their existence from your wallet.
- LAAS: Laws as a Service. You call the API, we do the lobbying.
- Vibre: Vibe-coded vibe-coding tools for improving your vibe-coding vibe-coding-tools with extra vibe-coded vibe-coding vibes for your vibe-coded vibe-coding vibers. No tests included.
- Candy For Babies: We take candy from babies and redistribute it across the population according to your choice of political ideology (options include capitalism, socialism, communism, and more).
- Hire a Protester: Hire people to stand near a location for a fixed period of time and display messages using their body, voice, and signage. Influence not guaranteed. Check local laws and circumstances for legality of service. Red Metal Industries is not liable for protester injuries.
- General Service: We forgot what this one does, but it tests well and still sells, so we just keep churning it out.
- NAAS: Nukes as a service. Contact Sales. 0 (000) 000 - 0000 (text, don’t call).
- Attention Wars: We get people’s attention, then redirect it to your ad (disclaimer: not really a war, more of a contest, a competition, if you will).
- Wars: Actual wars. We’ll fight them for you.
- Peace: We’ll sell that too. Right to repair not guaranteed.
- Hats for Chickens: The product Hats for Chickens as a service. HFCAAS.
- God: We don’t sell God directly; that would be cheap. We sell 10x the value: Engineered religion. Given your target demographics and cultural expectations we’ll design, release, and manage a virulent psychological pathogen for you. The marketing team called it “Exploit those pesky humans today using their unpatched psychological zero day exploits and turn your biggest users into your biggest users”. Worship guaranteed.
The list goes on, but that’s enough for now. We believe we have an amazing opportunity to do evil before us, and hope you are ready to be a component of this amazing enterprise. Please view the attached documentation for further details on each of the outlined products and services. If you, or someone you know, would like to invest, then please send all your money to our corporate headquarters. Bottlecaps accepted.
Insincerely,
Undisclosed,
CEO, Red Metal Industries.
END OF DOCUMENT
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WHY DO WE DO THAT IN DOCUMENTS?
GOODBYE